


Don't go where I can't follow

by alineppenhallow



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Compliant, Character Study, Emotional Hurt, Established Relationship, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Near Death, Sick Character, Sickfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-04
Updated: 2016-10-04
Packaged: 2018-08-19 13:39:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,367
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8210596
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alineppenhallow/pseuds/alineppenhallow
Summary: Valentine's latest project leaves Magnus at death's door, Alec deals with the emotional repercussions.





	

**Author's Note:**

> angst with a happy ending but i needed to emotionally vent some leftover stuff i was dealing with regarding my mum’s heart attack earlier this year. i wrote something around that time which helped but i clearly needed to write something more…i feel better for it now

“You should go get some rest,” Magnus says, cracking the silence that’s fallen around them.  


Alec shakes his head, his eyes unfocused but glued to the arrow in his hands. His fingers tracing over the groves and runes seeking comfort in the weapon he knows almost as well as his own skin by now. “Nah, I’m good here.”

“You look terrible,” Magnus mumbles, amusement in the scratchy tone of his voice. Alec can’t help the snort, the quirk of a smile that fades just as quick as it comes. He swallows thickly, fingers stopping in their rhythmic run along the arrow.

Magnus had meant it as a joke, something a little self-deprecating to ease the mood. And it’s true, Alec’s not looking his best and could probably use a warm shower and meal and maybe a few hours kip but Magnus - he’s much worse and no amount of humour can fix it.

Alec can’t even look at him anymore, choosing instead to rest his back against the cool metal below the viewing window and staring at the wall, hiding from view and from seeing the effect Valentine’s little experiment is having on his boyfriend. 

Magnus - usually so bright and warm, filling the room with a sparkle like a firework, drawing every eye in awe - is now washed out, his bronzed skin so pale it’s like the pigment has been drained. He looks so small curled on his side amongst the bleached white sheets, the raspy mechanical rise and fall of his shoulders too shallow and rickety to give Alec any sense of comfort. It makes something rebel deep in his gut, pushing its way up his throat until it chokes him. Alec hates it, hates Valentine for this violently mundane route of warfare they’re fighting now.

Give Alec a demon or a traitor to fight any day. But something microscopic? Something wholly designed in a lab to target downworlders? This is Izzy’s battleground and Alec is left standing on the edge like a child with a wooden sword, useless. There’s nothing for him to do, nothing for him to fight. Even bringing Izzy a cup of coffee is a wasted effort, the small collection of still full congealing cups a dead giveaway that Izzy’s far too busy for something a simple as refuelling.

He can’t even drag her away from the lab, torn between her well being and Magnus’ failing health.

Alec hates it all. He hates himself for it, for not pushing Izzy to sleep and eat, instead hovering over her like ghostly guilt. For not being able to protect Magnus in the first place. For being useless… it snarls at the back of his mind like a living thing. 

He wishes Lydia wasn’t so good at her job, that she’d left him something to do but as soon as the word came through that Magnus had been struck down with some kind of poison mid-battle she’d taken control of the institute, letting Alec focus all of his energy on Magnus. He’d been grateful to her then but now he wants something to do. He feels lost, bereft even. Listlessly floating around the medical pod they bought or stole from the mundanes to sequester Magnus in.

Alec’s not even allowed inside without a full hazmat, Izzy and her team haven’t yet been able to determine if Valentine’s bug can affect shadowhunters. All Lydia’s scouts can tell from the ripped and burned pages from the abandoned lab is that Magnus was hit with an experimental dose and so they’re erring on the side of caution.

“Go and get some rest Alexander, I’m not going anywhere,” Magnus pleads quietly. Alec scrunches his eyes shut, fighting the burn that threatens again to choke him, drown him under the weight of the reality they’re in. The last thing he wants to do is worry or upset Magnus by sobbing at his bedside.

“Told you already, I’m good here.” Despite his best efforts his voice still sounds thick with tears even to his own ears and he hits his head against the metal shell of the box, cursing himself for the slip.

“Please love,” Magnus sighs.

Alec would love nothing more to comply with Magnus’ wishes. His stomach gnaws at itself, grumbling quietly as the weight of exhaustion pulls him down to the ground. He feels the grease and sweat like a second skin and would relish in a hot shower to burn it all away.

But he can’t.

Every time he drifts into sleep, limbs numb and heavy, he yanks back to wakefulness. The same fear jerking him awake that keeps him pacing length of the room instead of leaving it. It’s like a cold snap of wind that goes straight through him, stealing his breath and pushing his heartbeat into overdrive as his gut rolls. The absolute terror that curls at the base of spine clawing up and stabbing into his lungs every time he so much as relaxes leaves him even more exhausted.

But still he can’t leave.

Magnus may be immortal but that _doesn’t mean he can’t die._ Something Alec had always brushed aside. The odd sense of security that Magnus’ immortality somehow protected him from death, that Magnus was invincible, untouchable…a fantasy and all it did was fool Alec enough that when he was faced with the real mortality of his boyfriend, the fragility of the life of someone he loved, it crippled him. The idea that space Magnus carved into his life could suddenly turn into a void, that he’d simply wouldn’t be there anymore…Alec’s heart stuttered every time his mind glossed over the idea. He flinches away from it again, the sensation of fingers curl around his heart, squeezing hard enough to leave him cold and breathless.

Alec can’t stand being idle but he’s not sure he could actually do anything in his state anyway.

“I’m not going anywhere love.” Alec whispers in response. He hears the hitch in Magnus’ breath, the shuffle as he curls a little tighter into himself. Magnus doesn’t ask again and Alec’s fingers run along the length of the arrow again.

The mind numbing routine of the movement soothes away the fear, like white noise it draws his attention away from the world for a little while, until the fear creeps back in like the winter frost.

When Izzy stumbles through the door a few hours later, her hair a mess and her eyes alight with a mad fever, Alec stumbles up to his feet. He can’t breathe, swallowing dryly around a lump in his throat. The terror screaming in his chest so loud he almost misses Izzy’s words.

“We did it,” She gasps on a laugh, her smile wide.

Alec’s legs turn to jelly and he falls to the floor hard and with a quiet whimper, the rush of relief so strong it barrels over him like a tsunami, ripping away the cold fear and leaving him shaking and drained as he cries into Izzy’s shoulder. He wasn’t even aware of her moving from the door but he doesn’t dwell on it, he just grabs her arms tight enough to bruise as he struggles to choke down enough oxygen between stuttering cries. Just so grateful that he doesn’t have to contemplate the idea of Magnus dying for a second longer, that he can bury that fear and curl around Magnus instead. That he still has a chance to utter every unsaid word, to let Magnus drag him to every tourist trap, to wake up next to him or even simply reach out and touch him. It knocks away the shaky foundation he’s been standing on for the past few days and catches him on something solid leaving him a little unbalanced but soon to be sure footed. Izzy rubs her hands up and down his spine, shushing him and kissing his hair as she rocks them softly, letting Alec fall apart for a moment before he pulls himself back together. 

“Now he has to take a shower because I refuse to hug him later otherwise,” Magnus says shakily but the relief is strong and clear in his voice as much as it is in Alec’s chest.  

**Author's Note:**

> [Tumblr](https://alineppenhallow.tumblr.com) & [Twitter](https://twitter.com/alineppenhallow)  
> 


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